I was in a train with some university friends . we had as a destination an international conference where we were representing our school. It was then when I 1st discovered the article that was printed by my good friend and class mate. Due to the same friend’s illness that occurred during our journey, I was able only to read the 1st lines of the article , that moved me right away. Once arrived to the hotel room and relaxed a bit, I took some time and read the article. I felt it was describing me . I was exactly a person dependent on other people . Tears dropped from my eyes as I continued the article and discovered so many other things. Some of which I was feeling , and others I was yet to live and experience .
I have always been dependent on people. I wouldn’t survive without having someone I’d consider close from me. I am a person with a big heart and doesn’t truly agree with the concept of balance. In all my relationships I tend to give all what I have of love and affection. This , usually considered as extremely unusual and pleasant , was indeed the reason I’d get hurt most times.
In that period of time , I had a “somebody”. A person I considered special to me. We were close but in a slightly different way from my other “close” experiences. We’d talk all day long through the ways provided by today’s multi technologies. We’d get disconnected from the world and other people and spend time talking only to each other.
Later on, as a prize and sign of respect and deep affection, I gave this article to that person. Few days later this person left me. I’m still though wondering if he did read the article or not. My wish was that he’d learn as much as I did from reading the article. And I felt bad. Upset. And Sad. It made me cry , and wonder why such event occurred. I questioned myself a million times about what have I possibly done to make this person go away suddenly. I came to the conclusion that I was mostly unsatisfied with this person not being part of my daily life anymore, because this time I thought I was ready. I still until today admire this person and I might seem girly – which I totally am – but I always deep inside believe I will inshAllah find that soul mate of mine.
My friend who gave me the article said that while reading it, she too felt it was describing her as a person and what she has been through. It made me reflect : are we as human beings all deeply sensible ? even the ones that might seem the toughest among us ?
Everything happens for a reason. Even Allah taking a precious thing from you , as said in the article. In our most difficult and painful times, it is hard for us to reflect about this. But in my life I have realized it, and through many situations where I was blessed enough to reflect this thought . I take the most basic example : my academic education. I’ve always dreamed to be an engineer , simply because my dad is one and I learned to love his job. In high school, my orientations were according to this dream. Eventually, Allah had another plan for me, and effectively I ended up joining business school. I had no regret and decided to be open for this new opportunity , taking it as it came and hoping it would be a good thing . And Alhamdulilah it was. I met some of the nicest people ever, I discover that what I was studying was practical and useful for today and the future, I joined one of the most wide international organizations, and within less than a year of membership within it, I was elected as a local vice president. Not even for a second I would have imagined all this would happen to me. I didn’t even think of how my life would be in case my dream of joining engineering studies wasn’t to be realized . subhanAllah. If earlier they would have shown me a window of my future life, I might have not liked it . But thinking about it , it was worth all the times I doubted about myself, failed, cried every cell in my body and thought I wasn’t meant to find happiness nor satisfaction in life.
In my culture, when encountered with a loss or reflected about a potential upcoming lost, people usually tell you “after all, there is Allah”. I say ; Before All there is Allah. We should depend only on him. Be deeply attached to him (swt) only.
It is the sweetness of discovery that loss wasn’t indeed a “loss” but something we learn from. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and like said a young relative of my “somebody”, with or without that special , close person in our life, the sun will rise tomorrow.
So I started thinking. What was the purpose of me meeting and getting attached to that “somebody” ?
He always used to tell me about his dear elder sister and how they were close. And I told him I wish I had that relationship with my own brother. He answered me saying that inshAllah I will, in the future. And indeed. Since that time, my brother and I got closer, and slightly our relationship got better.
I also got back to writing . I haven’t wrote deeply nor honestly ever since I got elected. I got busy with studies and work and I didn’t find time nor inspiration anymore. Maybe that was why I met him. Mayeb he came into my life as a sign that I should reflect on what I have compared to what I had to compromise. I will never know. But once again this is what makes it special : not knowing.
I know I’m not perfect. I will never be perfect. I know I am confident and have a high iman now , but I’m also aware that in some time I wont. I will doubt again about my self and get disappointed. I will meet people who will eventually walk away from my life, and I will feel lonely . But in all that, I will have moments of reflections and getting back and closer to Allah. Getting back to where I started is better than never leaving. Everything precious requires practice and skill. And living without regret is surely one of them.
I don’t regret spending lovely deep conversations with that somebody whom I like to call my lovely stranger. I am left with good memories. I’m grateful to have had him in my life as well as having crossed his.
I believe that before all there is Allah who takes care of me. I believe all these pain experiences are good for me, and contribute profoundly in my personal development. As there is pain there is relief. With hardship comes ease , and the sun always shines even after a long dark winter. inshAllah I’ll find my true happiness and will be delighted . But before so, I still need to experience a lot, to feel a lot. And if this is only a bit of what Allah subhanahu has planned for me, then I can’t wait for what us yet to come.
Thank you deeply Sister Yasmin Mogahed. Your article touched me in ways I could never properly describe.